Psalm 27

"I will remain confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord" Psalm 27:13

Since my last blog entry, the Lord has definitely been showing me that He is good! In the struggles of trusting Him, He continues to provide for me and show me that He has nothing but GOOD in store for me as long as I keep striving towards Him. Here's an entry from my journal:

12.07.10
Jesus,
    Again, in the midst of a hard week, you brought your plans to me in such a real, tangible way. In my struggling to trusting you and your goodness and thinking again through the cost and worth of following Jesus, you remain constant. I've contemplated again why is it so hard to give up something that I feel like you have gifted me and even given me a passion for to something that I doubt and am unsure of. Is it worth it? My heart wrestles with if ministry and this calling is what I know is right in my heart, that I'm called to this right now in this moment, then why is it so hard? You brought me back this week to the time after counseling and the picture you painted for me. I found myself in that same place of wrestling with the hardness of life and the worth of continuing to seek you. I was reminded that in my tears, as I was desperately trying to seek you, you painted a clear and vivid picture of a mountain and on that mountain, seeing myself struggling to climb. I remember being nearly half way up and looking up, there was still a long way to go. In all the cliffs and jagged edges, I was debating what it would look like to give up and just jump off or to continue the long treacherous climb. Was it worth it? Three things I remember clearly about that picture was 1) there were boulders coming at me and I felt like every step I took towards climbing, more boulders would be falling and that was the enemy trying to knock me off the path, 2) as I looked left and right I could see an army of people in my life who were cheering me on to keep climbing, encouraging and motivating me to not give up, and 3) as I looked up, I could see the hands of Jesus reaching out for me, calling me His beloved daughter and asking me to keep climbing into His arms.
    On Monday, this picture came back into my head and again, now I was more than halfway up (after a long few years) and everything was the same except there were more boulders and cliffs BUT also there were more people on the sides of the mountains. Again, I looked up and down and up seemed really far away. The question again of is it worth continuing? After meeting with PA, talking and dreaming a little more, to hear his heart and passion for this place and college students not only renewed my heart and Spirit, but I became excited again for the first time in a long time. Finishing that meeting, I got into my car and prayed through what you wanted to say to me from that. At that exact moment, you brought me back here again BUT this time, as I envisioned reaching the top, panting and completely exhausted, struggling to get over that last cliff, I saw myself standing up, next to Jesus, being completely floored at what I saw. I looked up and out over this giant mountain and there was so much that I had not anticipated, the beauty and glory of what I never expected or imagined. But, that you knew and have always known. It gave me a greater purpose and calling to even what I am doing now and that you have know the greater picture and when I get to that place, to the top, I'll see it too! I will remain confident that I will see Your goodness!

It amazes me that God continues to WANT to show me greater things even when I feel like I'm at my worst. I know that He desires for me to be in His will and sometimes even when I don't feel like it or think I can, He shows me that it will be worth it in the end! That not only will I get there but when I do, He will show me so much more!